Good bye 2017. Thank you.

Good bye 2017.

Thank you.

Thank you for making us stronger.

Thank you for giving us 10 eggs and 4 excellent embryos.

Thank you for two chances at IVF.

Thank you for gratitude, getting up, and finding ourselves again.

I hope that we have the guts to go after 2018 the way that we threw ourselves at 2017.  I hope our family grows.

I hope I find the same joy and comfort in watching Mike sleep.  I hope we find time for each other as the pressure to figure things out seems to speed up time.  I hope we find less to argue about and more beautiful discoveries to share.

I hope IVF 3 works.  I hope there will be eggs, embryos, conception, safe passage and one day a baby.  A healthy safe baby.  And if none of those things can happen, I hope the hormones fly out of me and leave me safe and sound.  I hope I can digest healthy food easily and take pleasure in moving my body.  I hope I photograph, paint, swim in the ocean, feel my heart beat and gasp for air as a wave crashes over my head.  I hope I heal and get out of the house and find some safe space out in the world and not hiding in the house.  I hope after some time I recoup my energy and start on some other path.  I hope there’s always enough of me left to try again.

Fertility Vacation 3.0 // What if it works out?

If I could read your mind love,

What a tale your thoughts could tell

Just like a paperback novel

The kind the drugstore sells

When you reach the part where the heartaches come

Come the hero would be me

Heroes often fail

And you won't read that book again

Because the ending's just too hard to take

-Gordon Lightfoot

Some people wonder why we keep trying. Why, when we can do whatever we want with our lives, would we choose to keep putting our hearts on the line?

That’s such an odd question to me. I think of our friends with kids, and the families we photograph, and see certainty there. Of course we would dedicate our lives to these little ones. We would do whatever it takes.

This is our third and final swing at the ivf game. Here we are - our lives still in tatters from round one and two and here we go again. Here I am knowing this is our last shot down this path.

I’m asking my spirit once again, help me be strong enough to make this happen again, and let it be ok regardless of the outcome. We are looking for hope, faith, belief in trying to be steady, stable, and strong. Searching for the how, but clear on the why.  

I’m sadder and more afraid than I’ve ever been, but what if ultimately there’s a baby to have breakfast with, and someone to share in the delight of life with?

What if it works out?  Would you still think we are crazy for trying?



Fertility Vacation 3.0 // Praying

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'

I hope your soul is changin', changin'

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, prayin'

-Kesha, Prayin’

I hope my soul is changing too. I hope I’m learning to let go. There have been so many obstacles, and relationships that I’ve had to let go of on my fertility journey.

Self care has been a big part of letting go, and grieving. One thing that has helped me grieve is music therapy.

Music is such a clear way to say things. You feel it wash through your body and it’s much less open to interpretation. Of course, there will be so many different ways people will interpret it, but underneath there will be common themes that people universally gravitate towards.

I love the part of this song that says I wish you farewell. Farewell to all of the disappointments and heartbreak. I’m done with you and I wish you farewell.

I was on my knees broken and crying, but I’m entering a new season, and I hope it lasts a while. I’m praying for farewell, lighting a candle, focusing on my breath, letting music wash over me and giving my soul the space to change.

My soul is changing. I’m learning to let go.



Fertility Vacation // Dog Days are Over

It’s been another week of big shifts. I’m shedding my skin. I have this new feeling that I can get pregnant. The woman I passed by on the street was far along and I felt connected to her. I felt like I could be her one day. I sensed that it must be weird and uncomfortable to be lopsided.

I’m letting go. I drank some peppermint tea. I walked to the garden and listened to this song:

Things could have been stranger, but I don’t know how

I’m going through changes now

I’ve spent a lifetime trying to figure it out

I’m going through changes now

And i’ve just begun

Under a purple sun

There are many reasons we are what we become

I’m going through changes, ripping out pages

I knew it once, but i forgot

I’m going through changes now

We want everything, but we get what we got

I’m going through changes now

Maybe it’s too soon

Under a purple moon

Maybe it’s too soon

But I’d ride off with you in a big balloon

I’m going through changes, rattling cages

I’m going through changes now

Things could be different but I don’t know how

I’m going through changes, through all of the strangeness

I’m going through changes now.

         - Langhorne Slim & The Law - The Spirit Moves