Fertility Vacation 3.0 // Stronger

IVF is hard. This is not what I thought it would be like. It has made me examine so many aspects of myself, and redefined my place in the world.

I used to trust I would be a mom, and there would be three Ofeldts living in our house. I don’t have faith in that idea anymore. Now, I have faith in myself to accept that I can find peace, and joy in my life regardless of the outcome.

I am getting stronger. I’m healing. Finally.

It took awhile. I had to allow space for grief. It felt endless, and I wasn’t sure there was another side. I was shaken to my core, but I reached out for help and so many people held me up.

Above all, I reached out for Mike. He is always a steady, and magical part of my life. I met him and the word home came to mind. It was loud, and clear. I trusted that voice in me. I’m glad that after a decade my intuition and mind have finally got on the same page. Win or lose it’s ok to try, or give up, because Mike and I are going to stand by each other, and that’s a safe place to be.

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Fertility Vacation 3.0 // Praying

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'

I hope your soul is changin', changin'

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, prayin'

-Kesha, Prayin’

I hope my soul is changing too. I hope I’m learning to let go. There have been so many obstacles, and relationships that I’ve had to let go of on my fertility journey.

Self care has been a big part of letting go, and grieving. One thing that has helped me grieve is music therapy.

Music is such a clear way to say things. You feel it wash through your body and it’s much less open to interpretation. Of course, there will be so many different ways people will interpret it, but underneath there will be common themes that people universally gravitate towards.

I love the part of this song that says I wish you farewell. Farewell to all of the disappointments and heartbreak. I’m done with you and I wish you farewell.

I was on my knees broken and crying, but I’m entering a new season, and I hope it lasts a while. I’m praying for farewell, lighting a candle, focusing on my breath, letting music wash over me and giving my soul the space to change.

My soul is changing. I’m learning to let go.

 

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Inside Out :: Healing

Dear Wanderers,

I remember a girl named Kristen at art school. She was creating an album for a class assignment that documented her injuries. She had 4x6 prints and even a few polaroid images. The image spanned several images. Cuts. Bruises. The usual injuries in life. The album I turned in was a collection of images I shot in Cuba a few months before. My class spent seven days in Havana exploring the arts and meeting so many interesting people. 

This year has been a tough one. My brother has labeled it "The year of hospitals". My friend Brian, who has lost greatly this year, has labeled it "The best summer ever". Really, what choice do we have?

My heart is frayed. Mike and I are torn around the edges. This summer, my dad will start chemo, so we will rally. This is a fight he will win. There has been so much heartbreaking loss and terrible diagnoses that we have fought and ran from. Right now, we are going to fight a very contained lung cancer and win. I know to be hopeful, but shadows of loved ones lost knock me over now and again.

I keep getting a bruise on my right arm. It’s on my inner bicep. It looks like someone tried to grab me. I’m pretty sure its from the metal on my camera strap. Every time I see it, I have that feeling of falling down, of having too much on my plate.

I’m the type of person who counts my blessings. This season of amazing events running alongside heartbreaking events is a confusing one. I’m looking to heal and express these feelings that are leaving me so raw. I don’t want to make a list of the tragedies. It’s not my way. I also don’t want to be too quiet or I may find myself breaking down and falling apart by the smallest of bruises. 

So if anyone is interested in having the best summer ever, I’m your girl. I’m here to celebrate the small, beautiful moments and count them as victories. I want to honor these painful moments with living thoughtfully and enthusiastically.

To everything - turn, turn, turn

Love always,

Suzanne

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