Fertility Vacation 3.0 // staying strong & finding moments of happiness

What is it like to not give up?  Sigh, exhale. 

Today it looks like getting up early, instant coffee, meditation, 3 minutes of yoga and writing in this journal and not wanting to know what's in my mind.  Today we will walk around Vienna and photograph this vibrant city.  We are even taking an airbnb photography tour.  It's confusing.  Is should be a highlight of the year.  I love Vienna.  Vienna is a dream of mine.  I should feel incredibly blessed and grateful to the travel gods.  I am and I'm not.  It is wonderful and it isn't.  Some moments I can forget and some moments I'm terrified.  So for a few minutes I try to drop in, feel it, and hope I can shake it off.

What I want to feel.

I'm exactly where I should be.  The universe is unfolding in my favor.  I am lucky to have someone who would fight this hard with me.  This could be the most beautiful journey we ever walk on.  This could change our lives.  Being strong now could lead to magic.  We could add another Ofeldt to our home.  Wow nothing seems worth more.  

and I do feel that way.

I also feel this way.

I'm cold.  I'm hungry.  This airbnb only has one chair and no hair dryer.  I keep ordering the wrong thing.  Mike and I are tired and bickering.  I hate being home at 8pm for shots.  I hate injecting my body with hormones.  What if we aren't able to retrieve any eggs this time?  What if we can't make any embryos?  What if I put myself through all of this anguish because I'm too greedy at this game of life?  What if I can't accept a clear no from the universe.?

So enough.  I think I need to accept that it's ok if we don't create perfect embryos this time.  I will heal, I will let go, I will find another path.  I need failure to be an option I can live with.  I need it to not matter.  I feel like it's the only way to take my best shot, cut out the noise in my head and be peaceful.  I know that peaceful is a place we can move forward from.  A peaceful knowing that our family is steady, stable and strong.  We have time to make our way to each other.

So today we will walk around on this finally sunny day and take pictures.  We will find moments of happiness in between our moments of doubt and that will be our best effort.

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Held. Thank you. #addingtotheofeldts

Held

Here we are wrapped up in your arms.  Grateful and overwhelmed.  Every day we are so much closer.  The sun is rising over our fears.  

I love this community.  It’s always been fun and collaborative with so many like minded artists/entrepreneurs.  But something shifted for me in 2008.  I stopped by my friend Peggi’s floral studio to say hello and she told me something that stopped me from breathing.  She said I have cancer and it’s a serious diagnosis.  She said more after that but I couldn’t hear her.  I just don’t know what she said after the word cancer.  She was calm and explained the situation in her soothing Peggi-like way but I couldn’t hear her.  I was too busy assessing the situation.  I understood….

  1. It was bad.

  2. She’s still standing, she seems strong somehow.

  3. I didn’t want to let her go.

  4. If she’s willing to be brave than I am willing to be brave.

  5. She’s a florist in the wedding industry she can’t afford to have cancer.  

  6. I want to help.

She was still talking and I probably interrupted her - I asked “Can I help?  Can I rally people for you?  If I do this people will know, are you ok with people knowing.?”

She said yes.  I exhaled.  OK good. I couldn’t deal with my feelings of losing her but I could fight for her.  I hugged her tight and said let’s fight this.  Let’s give it our all.  I didn’t know how but I knew why.  If you knew Peggi it was easy to know why she was one in a million and I was lucky enough to call her friend.

You wouldn’t believe what happened next.  Three people who didn’t even know Peggi offered to spearhead the team with me.  They didn’t know her but they knew they wanted to support her. Megan, Kate and Sabrina put in hundreds of hours and created a mini revolution (REVO).  My incredibly talented big hearted friend Nina had already created a non profit called REVO and we worked closely with her and used her platform to raise money through an auction.

The whole community rallied behind this auction.  People who loved Peggi and people that just knew of her and that she was one of us.  It was a miracle.  So many people donated that I often fell asleep emailing Sabrina and woke up to her responses.  Mike took over more duties at Shewanders and gave me the freedom to help.  The community rallied like no other.  Ultimately we lost Peggi but she left being held by all of us knowing she had touched so many hearts.

I’m reminded again how great this community is.  We are feeling held by you.  Infertility can feel like such a lonely and disappointing path.  It’s so hard to want a child and not know how to stop wanting one.  The last year and a half since we found out IVF was a possibility and that we were on a timer has been intense.  We have been trying to so hard to figure it out and keep running into negative test results.  It’s so heartbreaking.  Mike and I just want to say thank you.  Thank you for rallying behind us.  Thank you for your support.  I’ve been in a bit of a daze trying to figure out how to verbalize  what it feels like to be us being supported by all of you.  I’ll probably never have the right words - for now, from the bottom of our hopeful hearts just Thank You.  You’ll never know what this means to us.

Thank you for following our story and donating and sharing to our campaign

I just wanted to share some old blog posts down memory lane.

San Diego Style Weddings   Wynn Austin La Dolce Idea REVO weddings  Bob Hoffman Shewanders Jacqueline Ashley Events Rae Florae REVO love

and the REVO heroes

Our Vendors

REVOweddings was founded on the premise of community and commitment to the Wedding Industry.  The following Vendors have generously donated their services to REVOweddings in support of this year's sponsored member, Peggi Walker.  We're proud to share our Vendors with you and hope you'll take some time to get to know them as the leaders, and givers, that they are!

Coordination & Planning

A Diamond Celebration

A.R. Affairs

Bella Sera Events Design

Bliss Events

Darin Dietz Events

Elite Events Management

I Do...Weddings!

Joyful Weddings

La Dolce Idea

Le Chic Wedding Consulting

Leslie Miller Events

Memorable Days

Red Letter Days Events, LLC

Resolusean Events

San Diego Weddings by Gina

Simply Exquisite Weddings & Events

Sweet Ribbon Events

Thomas Bui Lifestyle

Waterfront Weddings

Wedding Elegance

Weddings By Design

Weddings Made Splendid

 

DJ's, Music & Entertainment

Advanced Entertainment
Artistic Productions
Austin Hendrix Productions
Elite British DJ
Jewell Entertainment
Tim Altbaum Productions

Florists, Décor & Design
Adorations Botanical Artistry
Branches Floral Studio
Classic Creations
Elegant Touch Floral Design
Embellishmint Floral Design
Organic Elements
Rae Florae
Sweet Pea Flower Company
The Magic Flower
White Wedding Day

Food & Catering Services
Anette Farrel
CAKE
Continental Catering
Dining Details
Joe's on the Nose
Mike Hogan Enterprises

Hair & Makeup Services
Mayer Studio's Inc.

Miscellaneous
Legacy 4 Life
Pamela's Parasol's
A Squared Roxs

Officiants
A Forever After Wedding
Ceremonies by Bethel
Deborah Davis, Custom Wedding Ceremonies
Elegantly Spiritual Ceremonies

Photographers
Aquario Studio
Carrie McCluskey Photography
Cool Cake Photography
Emilio Azevedo Photography
Evan Bishop Photography
Journey of the Lens
La Vida Creations Photography
Nina Brav Photography
Resolusean Photography
SheWanders Photography
Theorie
Wonderstruck Photography

Press & Publications
Exquisite Weddings Magazine
SanDiegoWedding.com
Sitting in a Tree
The Wedding Chicks

Rentals
Concepts Event Design
Dreams Do Come True

Shows & Events
Bridal Bazaar
The Wedding Party - Bridal Show

Stationery
Brightly Designed
Paper and Thread Studio
Pink Star Design Invitations
Vertical Printing

Venues
The Crosby Club
Villa de Flores

Videography
Bob Hoffman Video

Fertility Vacation 3.0 // What if it works out?

If I could read your mind love,

What a tale your thoughts could tell

Just like a paperback novel

The kind the drugstore sells

When you reach the part where the heartaches come

Come the hero would be me

Heroes often fail

And you won't read that book again

Because the ending's just too hard to take

-Gordon Lightfoot

Some people wonder why we keep trying. Why, when we can do whatever we want with our lives, would we choose to keep putting our hearts on the line?

That’s such an odd question to me. I think of our friends with kids, and the families we photograph, and see certainty there. Of course we would dedicate our lives to these little ones. We would do whatever it takes.

This is our third and final swing at the ivf game. Here we are - our lives still in tatters from round one and two and here we go again. Here I am knowing this is our last shot down this path.

I’m asking my spirit once again, help me be strong enough to make this happen again, and let it be ok regardless of the outcome. We are looking for hope, faith, belief in trying to be steady, stable, and strong. Searching for the how, but clear on the why.  

I’m sadder and more afraid than I’ve ever been, but what if ultimately there’s a baby to have breakfast with, and someone to share in the delight of life with?

What if it works out?  Would you still think we are crazy for trying?

 

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Fertility Vacation 3.0 // Stronger

IVF is hard. This is not what I thought it would be like. It has made me examine so many aspects of myself, and redefined my place in the world.

I used to trust I would be a mom, and there would be three Ofeldts living in our house. I don’t have faith in that idea anymore. Now, I have faith in myself to accept that I can find peace, and joy in my life regardless of the outcome.

I am getting stronger. I’m healing. Finally.

It took awhile. I had to allow space for grief. It felt endless, and I wasn’t sure there was another side. I was shaken to my core, but I reached out for help and so many people held me up.

Above all, I reached out for Mike. He is always a steady, and magical part of my life. I met him and the word home came to mind. It was loud, and clear. I trusted that voice in me. I’m glad that after a decade my intuition and mind have finally got on the same page. Win or lose it’s ok to try, or give up, because Mike and I are going to stand by each other, and that’s a safe place to be.

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