Fertility Vacation // Worrying About Worrying

Today could have been our implantation day, but instead it will be tomorrow or Saturday. It feels scary that it wasn’t the first possible day. I’m guessing that it’s not actually better or worse which day it happens.

I wonder why I’m struggling so much. Is it the hormones? Is it because they took the eggs out? Does that make you spiral a little? Is it a withdrawal from the hormone shots? I guess I should be grateful for all the easy days I’ve had.

I’m worried about being worried. I want my body and mind to be relaxed and peaceful. The doctor said the only thing I can do to raise our chances is to think positive. Instead I feel panicky.  I swivel from feeling so much power and gratitude, to feeling fear and panic. I’m sure it’s the hormones.

I have to keep remembering that everything is going so well. Seven of our 10 eggs are growing. All of our friends say that’s great.

I’m scared anyway. I meditated. Scared. I took a bath. Scared. I’m trying to write it so it gets out of me. Scared.

Finally we’ve gotten to the part in the IVF process that people complain about. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed during certain moments of the day.

Mike was supposed to fly home tonight, but I asked him to call and change his flight. I’m not ready for him to go. The next three days are crucial and with everything happening at the lab, I don’t want to be without him. Cristina arrives in an hour so I know I won’t be alone, but I need Mike here too. Everything feels more hopeful with him here.

I’m not a very needy or demanding wife. Usually I’m independent to a fault. But for a couple more days I want to explore the city via “Mike’s Walking Tour” and sleep holding his hand.

An hour goes by and I’m feeling even and calm. Mike is the best at talking the fear out of me.

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Fertility Vacation // My Tribe

I feel so lucky to be surrounded by amazing people on this exciting and odd journey. Everyone at home has been so kind and supportive. {Thank you!} My tribe in Prague makes all of the tough moments bearable and the good moments even better. 

Cristina :: I met Cristina through a high school exchange student program. We’ve been the best of friends ever since. She is the one person who changed the whole trajectory of my life. As teenagers, we sat looking at a map and she was saying crazy things like, “We can carry a backpack and go on trains. We can stay in hostels and explore all of these cities.” This all sounded too wondrous and foreign to me. I had no idea the possibilities. We went on a three month backpacking trip in Europe. It was all true. That started my career as a frequent traveler. She was my travel-mate.  She now lives in Dubai and will be meeting me for a week in Prague.

Vanessa :: Vanessa and I became fast friends and she is someone I admire. She is a beautiful photographer and traveler herself so I am excited to share this with her.  I love going on art adventures and taking photos by her side. She is someone that has so much energy, you just want to keep her in your pocket. Vanessa is coming with me to Reykjavik and will later meet me in Prague for a week.  

Swiss Jenny :: Jenny is joining us for a week in Prague.  I met Jenny when she interned with us at Shewanders.  She is soft, kind, and always insightful. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better. 

Janna :: What a treat that my friend Janna from Sweden has decided to come visit for a few days. Mike and I met Janna a couple of years ago in Bali and knew we had an instant friend. Janna may be the most adventurous person we know. She rides motorcycles way too fast, does stunts, and explores everything fearlessly. I'm excited for her energy and laughter.

Mike :: My husband. My person. The man I am more myself around, then I am around myself. He will come towards the end of the trip. I need him there for his physical contribution and also for fun and support.  I know it will feel real once he is there.

I love this eclectic group of travelers and life-lovers. 

xoxo

Suzanne

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Inside Out :: My Flaws Are Hilarious To Me

"There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do." - Amy Poehler

I find my flaws so interesting and can often laugh at myself. You know that scene in Juno where Juno is telling Pauly, "You are so cool and you don't even try", and Pauly says, "I try really hard.” I'm that girl. I'm the hand raiser. I'm the one who tries really hard. I'll be day dreaming of ideas, making connections between unrelated concepts and as I grab the four corners of the blanket and the idea takes shape, I trip on a crack in the sidewalk. I crack myself up. 

I love to watch the Big Bang Theory by myself because Sheldon is so hilarious and I seem to laugh longer than anyone else in the room. I'm so much more emotional than he is, but I think a lot of us can relate to his moments of misunderstanding.

My flaws are hilarious to me. Here are 10 of them for your enjoyment:

1)  In Cranium Anniversary Edition, I love CopyCat, but I speak as if I'm giving an autobiography of the person instead of using an accent. I can not speak in accents. Mike is certain I am violating the spirit of the game.

2) It’s been years since I’ve surfed because I jump off the board every time I catch a wave in grand celebration. The last jump I landed on a sting ray.

3) I can often be found packing at midnight before a trip.

4) A couple of years back we flew into Thailand around midnight, arriving in Bangkok at 2am without a hotel reservation. This is not odd for us.

5) I love music and can often sing along to an unusual variety of songs, but it will be off key. I rarely ever know A) who is singing the song and B) the name of the song. Pop culture and I don’t know a lot about each other.

6) I don’t actually know who Kanye West is other than I remember hearing he has a kid that has a direction name. See #5.

7) I’m also very unsure of who the Kardashians are and why they are relevant, but I know one of them has a big butt and tried to ‘break’ the internet.

8) I can ask for directions in three languages; English, Spanish and Italian. This is due to my shockingly bad sense of direction, but great love of travel. Thank you to whomever invented GPS.

9) I can also order dinner, and more importantly, gelato in three languages, but that is solely because I value eating and well, Gelato.

10) I often leave things places, but have the ability to collect the most understanding and amazing people as friends. For example: I went to Target with my mom. When I got home I realized I must have left my phone somewhere. I went into my condo and saw a note on the table next to my phone.

Dear Suzanne,

Stop leaving your things everywhere. I was your last call and I was near Target so I picked it up and dropped it off. Pull it together.

Love you,

Jen Morrison

P.S She has keys to my place for emergencies like this one.

xoxo

Suzanne

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