Fertility Vacation 2.0 // Not This Time

Can this be it?  Are we really not suppose to have kids?  This process has shaken me to my core. I feel defeated. This time I know how cruel IVF can be.  It’s no distant stranger.  I’m not in shock, I’m just worn and hurt.  Who would have guessed we would be sitting here.

I was so naive and I took so much for granted.  I thought the hard part would be finding someone I wanted to live my life with.  Mike is home, I’m certain of him.  He keeps me safe. 

But now I want that magical feeling of cuddling a cute baby on the couch.  It’s funny, I am not a "couch" person.  I’m not even a "house" person.  I’m a "lets go somewhere" kind of person.  But babies are fun to sit on the couch with.  I’ve loved having my nephew here and as much as I loved taking him places, he taught me that the couch is a playground of it's own. 

These have been my first few days without him since he moved up to Northern California.  We packed up his dishes, clothes, toys, books...everything.  I’m mourning our life with him.  Suddenly without notice, my whole family moved while I was in Europe.  And now we are mourning our IVF dreams as well. 

Today is not my favorite day.

And yet still I can’t give up.  Sometimes it scares me.  Maybe all of these signs are saying give up and yet, I can’t.  Not yet anyway.  I still imagine that picture of little Mike in the bathtub as a kid.  The image that changed all my beliefs.  I want a child with Mike.  I’m still so open to what that will look like in the world of IVF, surrogacy, or adoption. 

First, I need to see what grieving will look like this time.  Even in my heartbroken, defeated state, I know that we will get up again.  Despite this being one of the worst, saddest days ever, I refuse to imagine our lives without a kid to love.  Often I really wish I could.

To our friends and family: we are beyond grateful for all of the love and support we have received. We never would have been strong enough to try this again without you. Thank you to the ends of the earth. 

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Fertility Vacation 2.0 // FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer)

I’ve been pretty sleepy since the Frozen Embryo Transfer. It’s been a lot of slow movement and rest. I’m so grateful Vanessa is here. I am so strong and steady because of her.

This girl is my soul sister. I met her by chance and a couple of days later we were on a road trip to Napa. She is a beautiful gypsy and from that fateful week, I’ve always wanted to protect her and keep her in my pocket. To me, she is fearless, open and wild. I’m sure she is terrified often, but she pushes through and changes states every year I’ve known her, and most recently, countries. Her address is always in flux.

Recently, she moved home in between Prague six months ago and Prague now. She has seen her mom take her last breath and said yes to a man who loves her. The last six months have felt like someone continually ripping off a bandaid, and yet less than two weeks after saying goodbye to Mama Luna, Vanessa got on a plane to spend 10 days with me in Prague so I wouldn’t be alone.

Everyday we walk around taking pictures, sitting in cafes and at the movie theater. Vanessa reminds me to be brave and just being in her company makes me feel like more is possible.

She was in the room with me for the FET procedure. It’s very clinical, but all of a sudden we saw the embryos on the screen and we both started crying. Maybe I’m pregnant.

Mike has been inundated with text messages of baby names and general excitement in the middle of the night. It’s been hard for him to be at home while I’ve been gone for a month going through this. He’s my hero.

He’s been shooting non stop and working 9-5 to pay for all of this. Some people have sex after a night out and get pregnant, and some people have three days off in a month. Mike has stepped up and fought for us to get pregnant.

I’m excited to have a partner like Mike. We’ve been through so much together and now, we are stronger. I admire Mike and trust him to fight for us.

While our paths to IVF 2.0 have been so different, his support has been unwavering.

I am so thankful for Mike, Maryanne, Betsy, Vanessa and all of our friends at home cheering me on.

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Fertility Vacation 2.0 // Tomorrow & Maybes

Tomorrow is the big day. Beautiful pregnant women are flooding the streets around me and kids are everywhere we go. It’s often drizzling outside, but the trees are alight with color. I can’t believe this sudden change in me. I feel 180 degrees different.

Light on my feet, spinning around and turning my face to the sun on a grey day. What if it works? What if we get pregnant?

Maybe everything is going to be okay.

I wonder what maternity clothes are like, can you wear your real clothes or will you just stretch them out? I wonder if the baby will be silly or like to laugh or be a grumpy cat. Either way I’m excited to capture our life. Maybe Mike and I will get a cool van and go on road trips and show the baby the national parks and how beautiful the world is. Maybe.

I wonder if the baby will like to travel and if he/she/they will like to visit Gaidin.  I wonder if I’ll get a mom car and if my hair will be messier - is that possible? I would love the chance to discover all of these things.

So many maybe’s.

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Fertility Vacation 2.0 // RTT Therapy - Releasing Childhood Fears

In 48 hours we will transfer the embryos and I want to be in the best place possible. Our dreams could come true. Maybe two days from now something beautiful will happen. During RTT therapy last night, I delved into my subconscious beliefs that I had created as a child about how the world isn’t a safe place for babies, and babies somehow hurt their moms during pregnancy.

One of my memories was of my little brother coming home from the hospital. My mom seemed tired and she was heavier and just wanted to sit on the couch. Little me thought the baby hurt my mom. I didn’t like the baby at first. It was clear that everyone else did and that my mixed feelings were wrong. I didn’t know why people weren’t more mad at the baby for hurting my mom. The baby was also supposed to be a girl and it felt like a lie - I felt so betrayed that the baby came home as a boy. My head was spinning, 6-year-old me was confused.

The reality was that my mom had a wonderful pregnancy. I always had this fear of being pregnant and never knew why. I feel like in my conscious mind now, everything has been cleared. I feel like my chances for IVF just exploded into the sky.

I can exhale and keep going to this happy, creative space in my mind that is expansive, playful and fun. Finally.

Now have a secret smile. I feel really, really excited try in two days. What if it happens?a

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