During one my hypnosis sessions I was asked to visit one of my past lives. What I saw was myself back in time maybe 100 years ago, living in a coastal city in Portugal. I live alone. I do chores and kind of go through the motions and my life seems sad and lonely. My past self offers some advice. Alone is not better. It just seems safer, but in the long run, you are alone. I imagined her sadness and the loss of not being able to connect with other people to be stuck alone in your own head. I also had this other flash from a movie or the idea of the sound a mother makes when they lose their child - a wailing, a total heartbreak. A horrible sound.
Read moreFertility Vacation 2.0 // My Last Dollar
Once I got out of the Airbnb in Prague and looked around at the familiar painted houses in Vinohrady it hit me. What the fuck am I doing here? A bit of shock, horror and a small fleeting moment where my mind rejected the whole idea.
Read moreFertility Vacation 2.0 // Visions
Here I am, taking hormones for IVF 2.0. Preparing my body for a frozen embryo transfer next week wondering what will happen. Will I get pregnant? Will I encounter a moment that my mind and body can’t handle? Will I know how to get unstuck? Will I ever be the Suzanne I recognize again? Betsy described a way to be hopeful to me that I visualized this way:
Read moreFertility Vacation 2.0 // PTSD
This post makes so much sense to me. My friend Betsy whose husband died one night without warning while they were sleeping said she felt like a fraud to have PTSD since it's usually associated with people returning from war. It made me feel like I don't have to feel like a fraud for having post-IVF PTSD, and even though there are tons of hormones involved I guess this pain does belong to me. I'm hoping this realization will help me to get to the other side and the acknowledgment will give it permission to leave.
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