Fertility Vacation 2.0 // Duplicity

My heart skipped Fall. All of this traveling has confused my inner season clock. Like so many parts of me, I am searching for a true north that I can’t quite find.

I like Vienna. I like coffee houses. Is this beautiful city my hideaway? Walk, shoot, museums, eat, shoot, walk. I think it’s the right thing to be doing. I love to cheer myself up with everything that’s available to me.

For me, being happy is being grateful for what I have and pointed in the direction of what I’m looking for. If you are someone who is always using the silver lining as a north star, it’s easy to move your expectations a little to the left or right, but still forward.

Motherhood is a deal breaker. I don’t want to move right or left, I want the dream. I want the sunny day, a family with Mike. However we get there; adoption, surrogacy, IVF.

It makes me think of the quote, "how many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?". How many times will I walk down this road?

Who will I be at the end of all of this?

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Fertility Vacation 2.0 // Headspace Shrink

I sent this to my headspace shrink. Because I have a headspace shrink. Who am I?

I’m curious if you know why it’s so bizarrely intense when IVF doesn’t work. Is there anything I can do to help myself? I’m fully open to the possibility that it will work. I’m open to the idea that this can be easier and more magical than I ever imagined. But in case it’s not, I want to have the strength to keep trying again. How can I better protect myself for the worst case scenario?

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Fertility Vacation 2.0 // Made to Be Happy

One of my close friends is worried I’m not strong enough to be pregnant or will find parenthood too much.

I’m not worried.

When I’m pregnant I will be so good at celebrating. I am made to be happy. It’s the most honest part of my personality. I will have this peaceful, calm.

Me and the universe will snuggle up to one another, exhaling and basking in the feeling of being “home”.  Finally letting go of the tinge of sadness or fear because this moment of belonging together is much more real than lying down broken hearted.

Of course, being pregnant will be challenging, but I can’t help but believe that the avalanche of joy that I will feel will shelter us. Me full of gratitude and hope is a powerful force.

Parenthood makes so much sense to me. Selflessly loving someone seems to be natural. Finally, my skills of trying hard and having a grateful attitude will be in my favor.

I want to be in this space now. I want to be in love with the world as I am. Even without having everything I want. I want to feel beauty in trying.

How do I live through this barrage of hormones and stay my sweet, powerful, free-spirited self?

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