Please don’t break my heart. I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve. I’m looking at you. I’m staring at you right in the face. I’m begging you not to break my heart.
We are going to try iVF again. Is three times the charm? I guess we are about to find out. I want to know, will our hearts be broken again?
Some questions aren’t necessary.
Will it be worth it?
Is it worth having our hearts broken?
Yes, it’s always a resounding yes.
Of course it is.
Because what if . . .
What if . . .
We have a little babe come safely into this world? What if we are those people wearing matching pajamas by the Christmas tree. What if we get to call our parents and say the baby is coming . . . The baby is here . . . It’s a boy or it’s a girl . . .
Every year I wish for the same sort of things. To hold Mike’s hand as we walk around new cities and small towns taking photographs, finding the best cappuccino, exploring museums and the outdoors, listening to music and having good times with our loved ones. It’s always the most important aspect of my life to celebrate our lives together - to be grateful for what we have.
But lately I’m not myself. Lately, I’m so focused on the baby we don’t have instead of all the blessings we do have. It’s such a painful way to live.
Maybe there will never be another Ofelt, but 2018 will get us one step closer to knowing - yes or no. I hope I find myself again at the other side of this journey. My greatest hope is that there are three of us, but if everything fails I hope there is at least two of us. Not the scared reaching version of myself I’ve become, but the vibrant grateful person I used to be.
So 2018, let me be her again. Let me find myself. Let me be grateful, kind, and healthy. Let me rally the strength, hope and beauty in this world. It’s such a worthwhile cause. It’s our most beautiful life. Let me lift myself up. Let me be the Suzanne that began this journey.
Change me Universe into one who is willing to receive all the right help, knowing each person, animal, thing is a form of you. Let me feel deserving of Divine assistance in every way. Open me to receive. -Tosha Silva