Fertility Vacation 2.0 // Portugal in Real Life

Last night my brother called me. It’s been a long story, but the call ended in tears with me alone, several floors up, crying on my bed in the sad, wailing kind of way that a mom mourns her child. In between my crying out, I happened to look out the window of my Airbnb at an old beautiful apartment and realized how similar the view looked to my hypnotized past self. I was a similar age and feeling a devastating pain.

I guess this moment unfolded again, or maybe I was seeing my future self instead of my past. I’m not sure, but it looked and felt the same. I was actually supposed to be in Lisbon last week, but ended up going to Croatia.

My nephew is moving to San Jose. We are super close and he usually lives at my house (his grandma lives with us) at least 40% of the time and now he’s leaving. Suddenly. So the tears were because my brother said that when Gaidin says his prayers at night, my mom taught him to say the names of the people who love him, and that he had been saying my name closer to the top than usual .Grandma, Auntie, Uncle Mike…..I couldn’t help but think this time next year Gaidin will be four and he won’t really remember me the same way as someone who is in his everyday life and my heart shattered.

Gaidin and I have some kind of strange connection. I love him fiercely and have always advocated for him. I have always felt like he could be locked in his own mind the way that I can. Maybe it’s because we both have a language delay and attention issues or have a fascination with water and light or prefer to sing over talking. Maybe it’s because Mike calls us Clumsy 1 and Clumsy 2 or that we have no real regard for the personal space of people we like.

I hope in San Jose he finds someone in his life who understands that the need for play, exercise and diet can look a little different for kids who can get in lost themselves. I’m working to embrace my new role as the cool aunt you just see a few times a year, but who loves the heck out of you.


Fertility Vacation // The First Injection

There we sat, the carefree girls from 8 hours earlier, now on the apartment couch, overcome with fear. In a brave moment of, "let’s just get it over with", I grabbed everything out of the fridge. Jenny and I set it up as fast as we could, just as the nurse had explained.

I pinched the skin on my stomach and pointed the needle at my skin. I didn’t want the medicine. I didn’t want to willingly hurt my own body. Logically, it made sense, but a part of me felt like I was betraying the universe and the gratitude I work to cultivate. I recognized this as the fear talking and remembered the greater purpose.

I pictured the nurse looking at me and I heard Jenny's helpful voice that felt steady and determined. "Is this the right number? Then push."

I pushed the needle in. The pain was small and only at the beginning. I awkwardly pushed until everything was in my body; exhale.

The three of us congratulated ourselves and drew on some shrinky dinks to distract our minds. 10 minutes later I was coloring the mane of my shrinky dink horse and my eyelids were suddenly heavy. I laid down.

The translator mentioned I might get hungry, tired, and feel a deep swell in my lower abdomen. I closed my eyes wondering if I would be out for the night.

I noticed an odd feeling in my belly and drifted in and out of consciousness. After about 20 minutes, I slowly sat up on the couch and felt myself waking up; as if I had been asleep all night and had to transition to being awake.

The rest of the night I surprisingly felt a general ease. I enjoyed chatting, eating tacos, and sipping the smallest amounts of tequila.

I can’t really tell how I feel in the end. Do I feel balanced and relaxed because nothing other than an unrequested nap happened? Or do I feel good because my body somehow needed those hormones?

Either way I’ll take the win. I feel good, normal, and balanced. Really good actually. I have exactly 7.5 hours until my next injection so I will see how it goes.

I’m actively choosing activities and thoughts that feel beautiful and in alignment with positivity.