What is it like to not give up? Sigh, exhale.
Today it looks like getting up early, instant coffee, meditation, 3 minutes of yoga and writing in this journal and not wanting to know what's in my mind. Today we will walk around Vienna and photograph this vibrant city. We are even taking an airbnb photography tour. It's confusing. Is should be a highlight of the year. I love Vienna. Vienna is a dream of mine. I should feel incredibly blessed and grateful to the travel gods. I am and I'm not. It is wonderful and it isn't. Some moments I can forget and some moments I'm terrified. So for a few minutes I try to drop in, feel it, and hope I can shake it off.
What I want to feel.
I'm exactly where I should be. The universe is unfolding in my favor. I am lucky to have someone who would fight this hard with me. This could be the most beautiful journey we ever walk on. This could change our lives. Being strong now could lead to magic. We could add another Ofeldt to our home. Wow nothing seems worth more.
and I do feel that way.
I also feel this way.
I'm cold. I'm hungry. This airbnb only has one chair and no hair dryer. I keep ordering the wrong thing. Mike and I are tired and bickering. I hate being home at 8pm for shots. I hate injecting my body with hormones. What if we aren't able to retrieve any eggs this time? What if we can't make any embryos? What if I put myself through all of this anguish because I'm too greedy at this game of life? What if I can't accept a clear no from the universe.?
So enough. I think I need to accept that it's ok if we don't create perfect embryos this time. I will heal, I will let go, I will find another path. I need failure to be an option I can live with. I need it to not matter. I feel like it's the only way to take my best shot, cut out the noise in my head and be peaceful. I know that peaceful is a place we can move forward from. A peaceful knowing that our family is steady, stable and strong. We have time to make our way to each other.
So today we will walk around on this finally sunny day and take pictures. We will find moments of happiness in between our moments of doubt and that will be our best effort.