IVF 3.0 : Not this time either

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” — Lao Tzu
It's complicated but our lives are still beautiful.  IVF didn't turn out the way we dreamed.  We are not pregnant.  In some ways it's as simple as that.  I don't want a big story about it.  We tried.  It just didn't work.  Our hearts didn't change.  We still want to be parents.  Mike and I have had weeks together in Europe trying to will this dream into existence.  We had a week with Jake Washington at home waiting while every pregnancy test was negative. 

We have each other to keep each other's hearts.  We have Jake to shower in love.  We have one embryo and dream of a surrogate.  We have plenty of dreams for our life and I believe that they are trying to come true.  I'm still a little bit quiet.  I know I'm not communicating the way I usually do.  It is because I'm repositioning myself.  I'm looking for who I might become.  I'm asking myself how can I move forward from a place of hope?  Since I already believe this is going to work out for us, how do I reconcile the failed attempts with what I believe will eventually be a positive outcome.  My only answer so far is to be a little bit quiet. look inside, and pay attention to who I am becoming.  

Mike and I are wildly grateful for all of your love and support. We couldn’t have done it without you.  It feels so good to know that we are trying to make our dreams of adding to our family come true and that we have the love and support of all of you. Thank you. 

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photos by the wonderful Betsy McCue LaVida  http://www.vivalavidaventures.com/    

photos by the wonderful Betsy McCue LaVida http://www.vivalavidaventures.com/

 

Fertility Vacation 3.0 // reflections

Lately I’m not writing anything at all. In the mornings, I often ask myself what’s going on? How am I? I usually write until I run out of time not thoughts.  I’ve had a cold for the last week. Maybe that is why I have nothing to say. Maybe it’s because I’m constantly out shooting. Maybe it’s because I’m meditating so often.

I’ve been visualizing my future in so many different ways.  Trying out different scenarios and seeing what could be a happy Fit. I guess I want to be happy no matter what the outcome.  In 8 days I’ll take a pregnancy test. I don’t want that test to decide whether I’m happy or whether or not I’m a mom.  A part of me would like to stay in this space of not knowing for months because if I don’t know the answer can’t be no. 

I’m incredibly focused on my thoughts but have so little to say for now. 

Xoxo s 

Fertility Vacation 3.0 // Thanking you & staying hopeful

Here we are friends. Thank you. Thank you for your generous donations to our GoFundMe account. Without you we would not be here. Our time for IVF would be over. But instead here we are. I’m following Suzanne around in her red jacket capturing her joy and struggle in this undeniably romantic city. Prague has taken unexpected meaning in our lives and so have all of you. We will learn more in the coming weeks. So far we have passed every test but I guess there is only one that matters.

We will keep you updated and appreciate all of your love and prayers. It means everything to us. Thank you.

Mike, Suzanne and the Wanderers

www.gofundme.com/addingtotheOFELDTS

photography specials

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Fertility Vacation 3.0 // staying strong & finding moments of happiness

What is it like to not give up?  Sigh, exhale. 

Today it looks like getting up early, instant coffee, meditation, 3 minutes of yoga and writing in this journal and not wanting to know what's in my mind.  Today we will walk around Vienna and photograph this vibrant city.  We are even taking an airbnb photography tour.  It's confusing.  Is should be a highlight of the year.  I love Vienna.  Vienna is a dream of mine.  I should feel incredibly blessed and grateful to the travel gods.  I am and I'm not.  It is wonderful and it isn't.  Some moments I can forget and some moments I'm terrified.  So for a few minutes I try to drop in, feel it, and hope I can shake it off.

What I want to feel.

I'm exactly where I should be.  The universe is unfolding in my favor.  I am lucky to have someone who would fight this hard with me.  This could be the most beautiful journey we ever walk on.  This could change our lives.  Being strong now could lead to magic.  We could add another Ofeldt to our home.  Wow nothing seems worth more.  

and I do feel that way.

I also feel this way.

I'm cold.  I'm hungry.  This airbnb only has one chair and no hair dryer.  I keep ordering the wrong thing.  Mike and I are tired and bickering.  I hate being home at 8pm for shots.  I hate injecting my body with hormones.  What if we aren't able to retrieve any eggs this time?  What if we can't make any embryos?  What if I put myself through all of this anguish because I'm too greedy at this game of life?  What if I can't accept a clear no from the universe.?

So enough.  I think I need to accept that it's ok if we don't create perfect embryos this time.  I will heal, I will let go, I will find another path.  I need failure to be an option I can live with.  I need it to not matter.  I feel like it's the only way to take my best shot, cut out the noise in my head and be peaceful.  I know that peaceful is a place we can move forward from.  A peaceful knowing that our family is steady, stable and strong.  We have time to make our way to each other.

So today we will walk around on this finally sunny day and take pictures.  We will find moments of happiness in between our moments of doubt and that will be our best effort.

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