Fertility Vacation // Wonderings

#AddingtotheOfeldts

I love that hashtag. It took me two seconds to come up with it. I wonder how long it will take us to pull it off?

I took the second test and it still says not pregnant. I so loved uno and dos. I tried not to name them and not to get too attached, but I still cared and wished for them with everything I had.

I’m plagued with self doubt and grief. I’m trying to feel it all and let it pass through me. My natural reaction is resilience. Sometimes I switch to a more hopeful reaction before all the sadness has gotten out of me. I’m so self disciplined to look on the sunny side of the street that I risk leaving emotions inside of me, trapped and forgotten about, but latent. I’m beginning to feel like it’s a bit dangerous.

I miss them so much. How long am I supposed to stay down and take a knee before I start fighting for them again? Grief seems useless and fighting seems so much better.Although, I’m not sure if I’m moving on to the fighting phase too soon and not letting go enough.  

I guess I can be healing while fighting all at the same time, similar to what we practice in yoga.  Mountain pose is energy to the sky and energy to the ground. Maybe it’s okay if I stumble, as long as I keep getting back up again. Exhale letting it all go, inhaling strength to keep moving forward.

It’s so hard to accept that everything can go so smoothly and yet still not end up with the result with we wanted. How can I be a different, better version of myself in July vs. April? Supplemental changes, additional hormone herbs, a clean house, more conversations with experienced friends, finish projects and feel really good and confident about where I am.

I don’t want to be different than I am on the other side of this journey. I don’t want to be so changed that I don’t recognize myself. That’s my wish for myself on the other side of this journey. Win or lose. That I’m still this girl.

The one that has resilience filling her up while she’s still mid fall.