Fertility Vacation // Not This Time

Negative. Ouch. It hurts.  The answer is not this time.  It hurts differently than I thought it would. I got to be what felt like a mom for two weeks.  I'm so glad for that.

Hope is a complicated choice.  Yes, I feel the fall, the heart break, the questioning. Yes, I wonder why not us.  I don't believe there's a bigger plan. I've always believed I've been lucky because I chose to be lucky.  No matter what happens in my life, I'll find my way out of hard times.  I'll somehow turn my face toward the sun. 

This journey has been so different. I feel like my luck has abandoned me.  I started with such gusto four years ago, certain that we would be pregnant the first month.  Over the years, I broke.  I abandoned hope.  I kept going through the motions, but I didn't believe I was lucky anymore and I wasn't sure why.  I'm still not sure.

Our trip to Prague was incredible. It gave me back some of my faith in the universe and allowed me to hope again.  Somehow this pregnancy test seemed like "not this time" vs. "no" or what used to feel like "never". 

I feel like Mike and I did everything right. We took all the advice, I was relaxed and magical. And yet still no.  I really loved those two weeks.  I didn't take a moment for granted.  Mike and I were alive with possibilities and we now know we are strong enough to try again. 

I am so wildly grateful for everyone's wishes and prayers.  We had so much support, we felt so loved.  I'm so happy that we told everyone about the journey because I really needed all of you.  It's been such a long journey that I couldn't keep going forward and believing without our friends and family. 

I'm so grateful to Mike. We have grown stronger together and we are a little in awe of what we've been able to pull off.  I'm so grateful to my mom for her help and all of our friends who came to Prague and stood by us.  I hope one day I get to post that we are pregnant and one day post that our babies are safe in this world.

I wish it was today.