It feels like most parts of my life are walking around with their shoelaces untied. My heart and body feel a little discombobulated as I look out to still unpacked suitcases from Cuba, Iceland, Germany and Prague. End of the year projects are awaiting final touches. Two gravestones in New York not yet graced by our flowers and presence. A part of me still reeling from the election.
Being home has been mostly jet lag and coffee withdrawals. I’ve missed everything we had planned - an epic 50th party with our friend’s band playing, a heartfelt fundraiser, a three day artist retreat in Joshua Tree.
I feel like saying “not today” to every activity I’m presented with. I belong at the beach, curing my insatiable need to hear the waves, walking on the boardwalk and playing in the sand with my nephew.
I can’t throw myself back into work just yet and into the editing tunnel of projects in the backlog. I’m afraid I’l lose this sense of self I’ve created through photographing and walking around Europe for five weeks. I’ve done so much to stay present in my heart and body.
Don’t get me wrong, I love editing, getting lost in my work, pouring over images, categorizing and then sharing them. I love finding threads that run throughout and juxtapositions to tell the perfect story. I love discovering and re-living the memories, but there is inevitably some kind of intellectual pursuit that comes up. There are moments of self doubt as I categorize the images and I get too much in my head. The computer won’t move fast enough, my hand begins to cramp.
When I’m shooting, I’m solely creating. Everything is alive with possibilities. I’m free with no boundaries, restrictions or time constraints.
For now, I want to find order in the physical and continue Marie Kondoing our apartment. I want to stay in this realm with our little embryos inside of me because for a couple days, I’m their mom and I want to be here for it. I want these couple days to be great.
For now, I’ll walk in the sunshine and just make sure not to trip on my shoelaces.