“If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done.” - Thomas Jefferson
The weirder it sounds, sign me up. This is my recent motto as I tried to do everything in my power this week to recover and know that it’s safe to try to get pregnant in August. I made a long list and started to make appointments.
I saw my therapist and decided to try some new forms of therapy for PTSD. Normally I would be somewhat resistant, but since nothing I was doing was working, I decided to trust her.
A couple of days ago we started the initial stages of EMDR. Even though it was just the start of the process it was enough of a disruption to shake things up. The experience was much more physical than I imagined. At times I felt heavy, paralyzed, in so much physical pain and then lighter, my skin felt electric. The whole experience was a little indescribable.
I scheduled a massage at my physical therapist right afterwards, I wanted something to look forward to and a space to force myself to relax.
Something about this odd experience allowed my body/mind/hormones let go. I’m not sure what even exactly was happening to me from a scientific point of view with the hormone withdrawal, but having the start of EMDR seems to have tipped the scales and brought me back in alignment.
It’s given me a way back to myself and allowed me to look forward to trying again. It’s given me a chance to follow my dreams again. The next morning I received a B12 shot and my body immediately responded with more energy and better sleep.
So, it’s been quiet the month. I was a little lost and looking for a way back to me. I’m sharing this because I never would have guessed that this could have possibly worked. Honestly, I went to my therapist thinking the hormones ruined me and I wouldn’t find my way back. I thought I just might always be a little sadder and I would just have to learn to cope. I was nervous going through the treatment again and that it would just add another block of sadness to my life and I accepted I might not be the same. Jeez that’s pretty personal.
But today I feel great, normal even, like myself.
Just in case anyone else is feeling the heartbreak of hormones ravaging your system, I just wanted to lend a hand. In desperation, I tried a few things and by some twist of fate it happened to work. I’m so excited to go back to Prague with so much less fear and a better game plan to either celebrate a healthy pregnancy or find a safe way to stay myself and try again.
Therapist, EMDR, Massage, B12 - who would have guessed? I will keep searching for ways to allow good things to come into my life.